Gag No. 6 – Suck My Clit by Fire Chick – Lesbian Bars (Oct/Nov 1992)

“don’t let the thickness scare u” was the subheading on the cover of this issue of Gag, which did not have a date, but was likely released in Oct/Nov of 1992. A number of the bars mentioned here, Paris Dance, Vortex (with Girlbar night), Augie and CK’s, and Visions, Mountain Moving Coffee House for Womyn, and G-Spot (with the Fake homocore nights) have since closed.

Here is the original column:

Suck My Clit by Fire Chick

Well, Fire Chick has not been busy this month going out to women’s bars picking up chickeez as she would have liked. See, as all you chickletz already know, and have moaned (but not due to sliding around in bed with anyone you picked up) about, there are no clit bars in this cow town for a kool chick to feel happy and sexy in.

Yes, it is time to bitch once more about the lack of girl powered pick-up style bars. See, some of us do not like to meet a girl, make luv (o so majikal and mystikal like the Goddess inside), move in, get cable, have kittens and live the rest of our days looking forward to the week we both go to Michigan. Some of us are happy as single chickz, fucking, having sexual friendshipz and not having life long lovey bondy gluey gooey relationships. Sometimes a girl needs a break, and sometimes she just doesn’t feel like mind melding.

She wants a bar to dance and have fun in, to see other women besides the 20 or so she’s already had, or sees daily or weekly at meetings and protests. She wants to be able to walk in and well, you know, CRUISE. Like they do in New York, and L.A.? Or are the girlz here so conservative it would ruin their perms to give it a try? Stop being so shy pussies! Dress up! (no, not the Gap dress shirt again – try something funkier. A red and black 60’s dress, the kind Emma Peel would wear, and some combat boots would be lovely. There; feel better? Knew you would.)

Let’s see, we have so many girl spots to choose from in town. But which one would fit our joie de vivre, our weltshmerz, our schrecklich attitude and otherwise o-so-hip fashion statement? Caveat: we would like to not puke up on my new leather dildo harness upon hearing the dance music. That takes care of Paris Dance (Palatine Trance would be a better name) and Augie and CK’s. And Visions, home of the big hip jocko-homogirls. (Fire Chick admittedly is somewhat size-ist. A fat tongue perhaps . . . ) Mountain Moving Coffee House? Surely, you jest grandmother, and besides, I don’t think they all have to die, just the mean ones.

Ooo, what about the Closet? Right ,the same 12 girlz night after night. Everyone knows you anyhow. You’re such a slut.

Oh sure, there is Berlin’s Women’s Obsession. Or is it Swinger’s Obsession? Some bi-chicks are the kind we all love to fuck – they don’t bring Mr Boyfriend-from-the-suburbs with them and then hang on to Mr.’s arm all night like a bad cold.

If a bi-chick is going to fuck a boy, have the sense to make it a fashion statement – please! Get yourself an attractive conversation piece with a good wardrobe to borrow from – none of these wimpy George Bushleague types in Dickie pants and Izod shirts with a role of sausage hanging over the belt instead of below it. You can’t tell me he makes you cum dearie.

Don’t you see the way we all stare at you when you come in the door? And then look quickly away sniggering? We have bigger eggs to scramble. Huevos Rancheros anyone?

Besides the bad-home-pornos-in-the-making scene at Berlin, there is the fabulously underpopulated Girlbar. The same 12 girlz every time – later they’ll be at the Closet. Emptiness does not make the heart grow fonder, Vortex. Maybe they’re staying away because the goddamned bathroom door doesn’t lock, and it costs too damned much for a Thursday night – no fun drink specials either!

Punkier pussies were feeling hopeful when a boy/girl homocore night called Fake started at G-Spot. Just as word was beginning to get around, the dumboyz who owned the Spot closed it – to be turned into – surprise – another fag bar. It is a sad sad day and this closing has made Fire Chick sniffle. Boo Hoo. Her fab-o-lash mascara will run. Fashion faux pas. Now where will Fake find a home? Where else in town could a punklet dyke go and see viddies with a yo-yo dyke-punk gang versus a skateboard dyke-punk gang fighting it out on the big screen? Support Fake when it returns to a bar near you. Go alone. Dress outrageously fuckable.

And suck my clit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s