Bitter Sister

I just found out that someone that my sister went out with twice has threatened to kill her in e-mails. Told her he hoped she died and soon, was going to burn down her garden (she has a community garden plot and is into organic gardening) and that he was going to plot it out and that he knows where she works and lives and to expect the worst in a string of e-mails he sent her. She’s been staying with various friends for a week. The police said he admitted to sending the mails and didn’t seem remorseful when they paid him a visit to tell him to stop writing to her. I have been trying to talk her into leaving town until he’s arrested and she gets some idea of what is going on.

She is busy feeling guilty because he’s a fragile person and is apparently also suicidal (she has other e-mails with that statement in it), rather than worrying about her own safety. She tried to tell the police to not press charges, because she felt sorry for him and didn’t want to ‘upset him’ (!?) but luckily they have a policy to press them w/o her cooperation. 

Profile: In the past couple of weeks, he lost his radio show, quit his job at an airlines and threatened people at the public radio station (which is why he lost the show) and threatened her life a week or two later when she told him she didn’t want to see him. He’s left town using airline employees flight coupons but didn’t tell anyone where he’s going, and told his parents he’d be back in the next 2 days. Oh, and he is the perfect guy – in his 40s and still lives with his parents, and told her previously he’d stalked his last ‘girlfriend’ for 5 years …

Strangely I have a headache and am having a hard time concentrating on work. I can’t figure out why my sister doesn’t stick up for herself, and why she feels guilty about this and the need to ‘get him psychological help’. Were it me, I’d be enraged, and calling the fucker with a piece of my mind telling him he’d be in for a major struggle, and to watch HIS back. I would say my sister and I have slightly different personalities.

Which is probably why I have not dated stalkers. If someone told me they’d stalked their last girlfriend for 5 years, I would not have remained ‘friends’ for three months after our ‘date’ … if I get a whiff of obsessive freakiness from a guy, I stay clear. But she did because after the 2nd date he cried and cried when she said she didn’t want to date him, and she felt guilty. I think she kept agreeing to spend time with him as ‘friends’ after that but to him was only fueling his obsession. Three months and 2 dates, and he is going to kill her for ‘making him lose his mind’ … got news for ya buddy – it was already lost before you met her.

In my dating career the duds that I tended to end up with were cheaters or emotional runaways who would get close, then freak out suddenly and run away, leaving me hurt and confused. But frankly, as emotional duds go, I prefer cheaters or runaways any day over obsessive stalkers who threaten to kill you …

She would not tell me his full name (yeah she still has some issue about protecting him), but she had written to me in February about a new friend of hers who’d organized some rock show she went to, so I do have his ‘nickname’ and based on that I found his MySpace page and his personal web page. The pages don’t show anything too disturbing but then again they don’t reveal much at all – just a big collection of punk rock show pictures and names of DJs, and nothing personal. Last time he logged in was April 5 and changed his mood to ‘sad’ (I believe this is the day she finally snapped and told him she really really didn’t want a relationship with him, that there was no future). 

I wish I could write posts on it about what the fuck I will do to him if he touches my sister …

I have thought about all the times I’ve gotten mad and upset at people in my life (lots and lots) and the number of times I’ve written letters to them to threaten their lives (zero). For someone to get to the stage of writing a death threat, you have already crossed a social barrier that most people would not cross. Her response? She thinks she said ‘everything wrong’ because she kept saying over and over that she didn’t want to have a relationship with him. I asked if she insulted him or called him names or said anything abusive like that – no.

So, he has a right to threaten you with death because you told him how you feel and you owe it to him to not press charges for making you unable to sleep at night, to stay at friends’ houses and to leave town and take days off work and school classes ?

I cannot understand her lack of self-preservation and lack of any anger towards him. She actually said ‘but he’s a very gentle person’ … as if the e-mails were NOT from him but were from someone else ?? Reminds me of the same mental games that abused women get into, where they blame themselves for their partner’s violent behavior because they said or did the wrong thing, and ‘that’ is why he beat them …

When people are messed up enough in the head, and finally snap, they are capable of doing things they may actually regret later – that doesn’t stop them from doing it ‘today’ though. Every time I’d say something she’d pause and mouth words that she knew sounded right, but I talked to her twice yesterday. At the end of the first conversation I thought she ‘got it’ but by the 2nd one she was already talking herself into thinking it was OK. He was out of town and she thought that was totally normal. I asked if it was normal for him to refuse to tell his parents where he was going? If you were watching a movie about someone going postal, and heard this – what would it sound like to you – should the girl get out of town, or stay there thinking it’s all going to be OK ? You’d shout at the TV, go go go.



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