Dreaming of Drugs and Callous Abandonment

I am in Georgia for 2 weeks for work – far from my home in Chamonix. Learning a new software development tool for a new project to re-write existing software. Exciting stuff if you are interested in programming, which I am not really. I mean, I do it for a living but – it’s not my passion. What bugs me the most is this trip is 2 weeks, and I can’t go home in the middle because it’s too far away, and I could not find cheap flights from here to any of the towns where I have friends or family to visit them either. Next weekend I did find a flight to Tucson to see my Dad who is recovering from cancer surgery that happened a few days ago. I talked to him the day after the surgery and it went well and he’s doing well – says he’ll be training for a 10K by the time I get there next weekend. I hope so – hope he’s going to get back into shape again. The cancer was detected early so we are hopeful it’s not too bad and he’ll be OK w/o need for radiation.

I had a very wierd dream last night that left me feeling empty and creepy when I woke up this Saturday AM. I drempt that I went out with a bunch of people that I’d just met, and did hard drugs (the dream didn’t have me taking the drug so no idea what it was but it was supposed to be something addictive), spending the whole night very high and wandering around the city (an unnamed city but somewhere in the USA).

Part of the dream was the drug trip (though it was supposed to be something like crack cocaine, which I’ve never done, the dream of the drug’s effect was more like mushrooms where I’d be in a place, and things would start to look odd, and then morph into other things, and turn into wild patterns – an entirely pleasant trip actually). In one part we were in an abandoned building, watching various parts of walls and crumbling bits morph and change. Then we left it, and went back to the guy’s house who I’d hooked up with.

The next AM (dream AM I mean, not real life) I could not remember where my dog Kobi was and realized I’d started out that night with him being with us, but now he was not with us and I feared I’d left him somewhere. I was starting to freak out.

The guy was gone the next day and I had not seen him leave, and only these 2 women roommates were there. Then 2 real people I knew from Chicago came over – a lesbian couple, one of whom was Debbie Gould from the old ACT-UP days. They were asking how I was doing and talking about going out to a club and catching up as we had not seen each other in ages (true probably 17 years?).

I wanted to know where the hell my dog was and tried to remember where we’d been the night before and who the hell I had hooked up with – I went into this guy’s room (he was a guy kind of like Lance in appearance, and youth.) I found some odd clothes – sort of girly gothy black clothes. Then, I found his name on some mail – Shawn Clarke. So, I thought, at least now I know his name.

He came in to the house again later, and I asked him where we’d been the night before – he said what, do you mean you are asking me who was I just with at the Peter Pan Movie? (As if I was jealous that he’d been out possibly with another girl that afternoon or something, which I truly hadn’t considered or given a fuck – I was just concerned about Kobi).

I said no, last night – where were we – where was that abandoned building and what happened to my dog. He said ‘oh we dropped that dog like Debbie’s doberman’ and kind of laughed like it was a really funny story. He said – you got tired of him barking and we just put him outside, and that was that and he clasped his hands together like dusting/clapping him off. I said, no! I love that dog like I love my life! I would never do that – I have to go back and find him – where were we? He couldn’t remember the name of the building either, but said the neighborhood might have been some name (I can’t remember now) and maybe the street was __ or __ (can’t remember after I woke up). I was in a panic and about to go out to try to find where I’d left Kobi – I could not for the life of me imagine why I’d do that, even high – why would I leave Kobi or put him outside in a bad neighborhood and abandon him like that. I though – my god from there it might take him 3 or 4 days to come back here and find me. But – would Kobi know his way back here (upon waking no idea where ‘here’ was or why Kobi was in the US with me but that’s besides the point in a dream of course).

I was panicking wondering if I went back to that building, would he still be there, or would he be wandering somewhere through the city on his way to find me or what. I thought, I left Kayla at home why did I take Kobi and do this?? (Now my husband Rob was totally out of this picture as well like he did not exist).

The dream freaked me out even when I woke up and left me feeling awful. I couldn’t figure out why I’d dream something like that because despite in the past times that I’ve ever gotten drunk (and I’ve never done a drug like crack that is addictive and spent a night wandering the city not knowing who I was with or where I’d been the next day either) I’ve never ever done anything to mistreat or abandon any of my animals or in fact any person that I cared about (I had a dog for 17 years in Chicago). I’ve always had this sense of self preservation even when totally drunk to do things like not drive in cars with people who were fucked up, to not trust strangers, to always take my things with me (never left wallets or purses etc. behind) – always took care of me and those close to me. So – I was just flipping out when I woke up trying to figure out what the hell the dream meant. What have I been doing in my real life that is so stupid and so blind that I could lose something super close to my heart? I called home – wanted to talk to Rob and to hear my dog (when I talk to him on the phone from out of town he barks and gets really excited to hear my voice). No one was home, but I got Rob on the cell phone while he was out skiing with friends. Anyhow, it was good to talk to him and get out of that state of mind. But the dream still troubles me.

What am I abandoning, what am I in a Peter Pan not growing up totally blind state about? Should I quit work – is that ruining my life – is it something I’m doing at work that will ruin my life? Crap. Hate mysteries. And that was the first good sleep I’d had all week where I didn’t wake up at 2am (thanks to jet lag. ) Crap – by the time I get home next Tuesday after seeing my Dad I will not be able to wake up in the AMs back in Chamonix anymore. Sigh.


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