Bitterly Dull Recounting of a Day in a Clouded Mind

Clouds of the Moon

This photo is about how my brain feels right now. I am a bright light stuck behind a cloud of fuck knows what that won’t leave my brain. The shit they gave me is definitely not working and if anything is making me crave carbs like crazy. My thyroid scan was normal (good because that means I likely don’t have cancer) and tomorrow I pick up the results of the dozens of blood tests they did. Next week is my next Dr appt (the one who tells me I am aggressive because I insist that she treats me rather than to keep telling me bullshit).

Yee ha. What fun.

What did I do today? I got up. I did not wash. I did not brush my teeth. My hair was greasy and I was sleeping in the clothes I wore yesterday, which except for my underwear, I did not change. I hear this is a classic sign of depression. Whee. I suppose if I was well and truly depressed I would not even change my undies. Guess there is some hope for me yet. I did originally while lying in bed, plan to take a shower. The plan was to walk the dogs quickly rather than a long walk, take a shower and then get to Cham well before the road closed so that I could load up the car (our flat is in a pedestrian zone except from 7-10am).

I walked the dogs. I forgot to take the shower. I had a pear and 2 pieces of toast and some tea, and fed the dogs and cats. I gathered up all the recycling and trash and put it into the car. It was getting late, so put on a hat rather than shower, and then I got in the car and drove to our apartment , stopping to recycle and toss. But it felt like it took ages for me to get stuff into the car, and I kept thinking my keys or my phone were misplaced (but they were not; yet I kept having to dig around for them, only to find them say in a different pocket).

I parked in front of our building (a luxury only possible 3 hours a day) and took out every single piece of linen in the place to be washed (in between summer and winter we do a major cleaning including the duvets and couch covers, pillows etc.) and stuffed it into the Renault Laguna Nevada , which once the dogs were added back in was quite full to the brim. I also put ‘bio activated’ drain cleaner down all the drains, and turned the heat way down and turned off the fridge. I picked up some trash, took all the mattresses off the beds and set them on their sides to be aired/vacuumed later, and cleared all the food out of the apartment which the family of 4 had left behind.

They were here for 4 days and left 10 bottles of ’33’ beer (actually I left that there for when I go back to do the full cleaning later!), 3 small pots of lemon flavored yogurt, creme fraiche, 1/2 stick of butter, 3/4 jar of strawberry jam, 2 full unopened bags of breadsticks, 3 kids packets of sugar cereals, 1/2 box of Petite Dej ‘breakfast crackers’ that I have no idea why the French think are healthy, 1/2 jar of peanut butter, 1 bottle of tomato sauce, 1 tube of tomato paste, 1 can of tomato paste, 1 jar of Branston Pickle, 1 chunk of smoked dead pig, 1/2 bottle of mayonaise, 1/2 bag of oatmeal.

I stopped at the Les Gaillands park on the way back, and let the dogs run around like maniacs in the lake. I looked at the ducks and wondered how the fuck they can stand sitting in that ice cold water all day long and thought how beautiful the lakes were, how clear the water is and how fucking gorgeous the mountains are here. It was a bright sunny day (again). I wondered why the fuck I felt so unmotivated despite it all.

I saw a guy alone approaching the cliffs with climbing ropes, knowing the sun was about to crest the Mt Blanc range and that soon the rocks would warm up in the sun and he’d be climbing and I was jealous and felt fatter than ever and wished I was going to be climbing too.

Then, I got home and took the stuff out of the car and put it into the back to be washed (except the biggest pieces which will go tomorrow to a commercial laundry). I put some laundry on, and then ate the 2 kid sized packets of coco puffs that someone left in the apartment, with soy milk (isn’t that funny), and had the lemon yogurt that they’d left in the apartment. It was 11am. So I guess that was almost lunch. Ish.

Then I drove down to the only cheap antique/used furniture place nearby (which I will not name) and tried to find a piece of furniture to fit either in the upstairs bathroom (no cupboard) or a decently priced and looking book shelf. On the way down I realized how little attention I could pay to driving and how many times on the way out the door I could not find keys or wallet or various other things I needed to get on the road. While driving I was distracted and that is not good. No success in finding any of this, but didn’t get to look at everything before it was noon and like all good French stores, they were closing.

I still felt crap and wanted to make myself feel better. I wanted to find some project to complete, to make me feel better. I went to the grocery store/hyper market hoping they’d have something inspiring. I looked at their picture frames, thinking about all the photos I’ve had printed and would like to put up around the place. I found the size I wanted but they only had 1 or 2 of the color that I’d want (ie plain wood) and then I found and nearly bought another one that had a mat for 3 4×6 photos in 1 long frame but decided against it because really the frame was dark wood and everything else we have is light wood …. and naturally they had none of that color left. I went to the furniture area. They had cheap crappy furniture made of pressed wood with staples or plastic. For the same prices as the whole old wood furniture was selling for in the used furniture store. Confirming that, despite recent Euro inflation their prices in the puces were not really so bad after all. I looked for an iron but the model I wanted was out of stock. I looked for a bath mat since we are short 1 and they only had powder blue color which I detest. I thought of going about 20 minutes further down the road to their competitor but could not be bothered. I picked up some ravioli for dinner and went home. Again on the way out I could not find my keys (in my own backpack) and spent quite a lot of time trying to remember where I’d left them before I found them in the small zipper pocket.

I went home. I put in some more laundry and took out the laundry that I’d put into the machine before leaving the house. It was now 1:30pm and I felt hungry again. That’s what you get for eating sugar for ‘lunch’. So I made the raviolis (basilic parmesan flavor which I had w/tomato sauce). I made green tea which I promptly forgot to drink. I was tired, and went upstairs for a 1/2 hour nap before starting work on the computer. It was supposed to be an hour nap, but for some reason I started awake out of what promised to be real sleep. My heart started to pound really hard like I was having a panic attack; as if sleep was a scary or bad thing. So I could not relax and fall back asleep and I got up. This happens a lot. I don’t get good quality sleep lately. I played with the dogs outside for a bit. I got the mail. Bills, nature conservancy group magazine featuring how global warming is getting so much worse.

I dicked around with the settings for the underfloor heating (trying to not make it so hot since I’ve been waking up baking and with a dry throat lately) and put in more laundry. I reluctantly started to work. Instead of working, I wrote this blog to show myself just how ridiculously bland, confused and dull my life has become and how forgetful I have become all through out the day, and how impossible it is for me to sleep, to eat properly, to take care of myself and to feel good about myself. How I start one thing and can’t finish it as I get distracted by something else (I went to get the bleach 5 times yesterday for example, and got sidetracked on the way each time by some other thing to do). I wasted quite a few hours today just wandering around stores looking for some things we’ve needed for awhile and which will make living with roommates in our chalet this winter a bit easier, in some attempt to make myself feel better, but it was useless. That is obviously not the problem. I think I need to stop taking these pills. They are not helping. I looked at the ingredients. They are ‘natural’ only in name – a drugs company has taken a perfectly good plant and ruined it by adding in things like sachharine (I am swallowing the damned thing, why do I need it to taste sweet? that shit is so bad for you) and other crap and only having the ‘extract’ they think makes St John’s Wort work. But frankly, I’ve taken the natural extract before and felt immediately better (when I took it for the right reason such as feeling sad when my husband was nearly dying several years back) and none of this wierd carb craving shit that I am getting now.

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