So, I got more letters from the X today. I sadly actually enjoy reading them. 1. He’s not doing better than I am (always satisfying) and 2. He still wants to fuck me (always flattering). On the other hand there is that ‘why the hell am I even still speaking to this person’ – sometimes I think I really have issues. Anyhow, there is no danger as he is a continent away, so I gave some unsolicited advice and tried to be a pal.

Four years later and he’s still an unhappy person but when you see someone over that length of time (9 years now) and they are always unhappy and always blaming everything but themselves for their problems – it does put the old relationship into perspective.

What I never understand is why I get sucked into those twisted kinds of relationships in the first place. The kind where things were great, then go to shit for a very sudden reason and you spend another year or so trying to figure out why and hoping it’ll magically change.

The only difference about the one I’m in now is the ‘gone to shit’ part wasn’t emotional – it was physical – a sudden extreme near death illness leaving him crippled for life. In sickness and in health and all that – I wasn’t about to abandon him. But it did change my life and make me depressed just as I was at the happiest I’d ever been in my life. Whenever I am happy I always do so with a sense of doom – waiting for the other shoe to drop. I thought for sure it would be a plane crash in this case since we started out long distance, but no a sudden rare illness was so much more creative of the big arranger of life, wasn’t it?

Life seems to be about that a lot – trying to get to a point where things are the way you want them and then watching it fall apart. Reminds me of when I was a kid. You’d just get everything set up the way you wanted it in the imaginary world you were building in the sandbox, and then it was always time to go in for dinner….or go to school or basically do anything except finally get what you’d wanted. The next day it would have rained, a sibling would have trampled the set up or some other thing to make you start all over again.

What do I want to arrange just so right now, anyhow? Really? Sigh. Back to bitterness again today, I guess.


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